


The Binch Who Stole Christmas

by Sluruol, Zi_o



Category: Voltron Force, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, M/M, merry almost christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 14:36:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12937374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sluruol/pseuds/Sluruol, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zi_o/pseuds/Zi_o
Summary: “If she breathes she’s a thot”“All women are queens, Lotor,”





	The Binch Who Stole Christmas

_“If she breathes she’s a thot”_

“All women are queens, Lotor,” Lance ejaculated. ”And besides, I thought you were straight ?”

Over the past howeverthefuck long, Lotor has joined team voltron for some inexplicable reason. With Keith in buttfuck nowhere, Lance needed someone to argue with.

“And I thought you were minding your own fucking business. Have you seen any of my generals lately?”

“Who”

“Exactly”. Airhorns could be heard in the distance. Lotor proceeded to drop a mic, a mic that he had grabbed out of his ass. “Owo so you like putting things up your ass ;^))) ?”  
“Yeah like your boyfriends dick” More airhorns, and a second mic.

“Shut your fuck i don’t have a boyfriend I love wahmen” Of course, none of the voltron team believed him. Lance was raised by Voles, and Voles were known for their homophobia. No one was surprised that Lance so adamantly denied his need for dick.

“What the fuck is a wahmen” he chirbbeled, narrowing his eyes. “Uh, it’s an Earth meme ,, , apparently”

“The fuck is a Maime”

Lance let out an exaggerated sigh. _I don’t have time for this shit_. What Lance was really curious about was Lotor’s apparently infinite supply of microphones in his ass. _Wait now’s not the time to be thinking about alien ass. An alien that he hates none the less._

 

He slid up beside Lotor, observing the content on his computer, - Pidge’s computer?- He was… drawing an OC on a base? A _sonic_ base? Does he even know what sonic is? Lance wanted to cry, never had he hated someone so hot so quickly before. “Oh god are you a furry too?” “I come from a race of cats, of fucking course I would find them attractive if that’s all I’ve ever known you cuckold”

Lance really should have never taught Lotor human swears.

 

“And did you steal Pidge’s computer?? To draw a **s o n i c o c?** ”

“I prefer the term borrowed”

“So you don’t deny making a sonic OC?”

“That’s not what I said, what even is a sonic, a blue hedgehog what even is that”

 

 

The mysterious increase of cobras on the ship needed to be addressed, and it seemed as though they had only started appearing when Lotor had shown up. But he’s an alien so he probably doesn't even know what a cobra is. _I’m sure it’s just a coincidence_ he thought. 

However, Lotor was oddly silent about it when asked about it… and blushed? Lance assumed that it was something that Galra did but now looking back…

A faint hissing could be heard from... somewhere? Suddenly Lotor seemed defensive, agitated, and stealthily moved the laptop over his crotch. 

Unfortunately for Lotor, Lance was an expert at staring at crotches.

“Take off your pants”

“Excuse me?”

“Did I fucking stutter, this is an interrogation, now. Pants. Off ”

Lotor looked confused. “Is this a sex thing?”

“Pff wh- no that would be gay, and I’m not gay, don’t make it weird” _I would never be attracted to a hot purple alien nope no way ahaha_. Luckily Lance shut up before he could embarrass himself further. Lance's Vole upbringing was keeping him from admitting to his true feelings. 

Lotor being a suave mofo, recognized Lance’s stumblings 

After a minute of awkward silence Lotor sighed and offered Lance a hand “Come here” he said warmly, a purr in his voice. Lance panicked. 

 

“Listen are you taking your pants off or not I have things to do,” _things like jacking off to no one in particular_. Once they get this scooby-doo shit solved he can finally go back to defending the universe or whatever.

Lotor looked impatient, extending his hand further. Lance hesitated, glaring at the hand as if it were character development, with hatred. But eventually he took the hand. Lotor held it for a moment as he moved the laptop aside, and pulled down unexpectedly. Lance was.. Sitting in his lap. He wanted to scream. _This is fine, this is fine, this is not gay at all, just two bros - two bros who hate each other- being uncomfortably close, whatever_. Lance totally wasn’t gay but,.. he kind of wanted to kiss him rn? Is that weird? No its not weird, it’s just stupid teenage hormones. Probably. Yeah it has to be.There’s only a handful of people on the ship after all, no wonder he would be frustrated.

Lotor leaned into Lances ear, while lance was paralyzed by… fear? Yeah let’s call it fear.  
“Its free real estate”

“Are you fucking with me?”

“I hope to be soon” He murmured loud enough for Lance to hear

_Dios Mio_

Lances blush was deepened by… wrigiling? Is that what a dick feels like? _Well he’s an alien so who am I to say._

Lotor could see Lance’s face of surprise and shock (and terror)

Lance decided _fuck it yolo lmao_. He pulled Lotor in and smashed their faces together. Yeah it hurt but was it worth it? Not really. In case he hasn’t said enough, Lance is in fact **not** gay, but nothing was wrong with two bros experimenting. That’s the word right? It’s completely platonic. 

Lance took a dive and his hand landed on the bulge in Lotor’s pants. The strange wriggling ceased as he grabbed at it and Lotor was shooketh. He whined, and bit his lip.

_Fuck this is platonically hot_

Suddenly feeling too hot in his own clothes, Lance literally ripped off his shirt, the only shirt he owned in fact. It was a nice shirt too, rest in piece.

Lotor breathed heavily as he said “owo want to see him?” 

…..Him..

Lance nodded even if he was a little confused. _How did he say owo out loud_

Lance pulled at the space zipper on Lotor’s space pants. _Wow this escalated quickly._ The hissing from earlier became louder. Disturbingly so. _Don’t get distracted, this could be your one chance to fuck an alien. Platonically, of course._

Lance pawed at the space boxers that Lotor had on his space crotch, relishing in the expressions that came across Lotor’s face.  
Lance bit his lip sliding his hand inside the space briefs feeling the… scaley cold member.

Lotor gasped and bucked while Lance had a mortified expression on his face. “Is-Is this a fucking snake” Lance mumbled blankly. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through his entire arm.

Lotor shrieked in pleasure, while Lance screamed in pain. He retracted his arm where his red blood poured out of his wrist"

“wHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT”

Lotor looked confused and insulted

“What do you mean that was awesome” 

“YOUR DICK BIT ME”

“Yeah it does that sometimes. Have you ever tried jacking off with a fcuking cobra for a dick? it’s not fun”

Lance stumbled backwards and fell off Lotor’s lap, holding his arm. The cobra watched him with inquisitive eyes, and moved as if it were being charmed.

Lance’s mouth fell open in shock (and terror). That explains the sudden surge of cobras Lance guesses. But at what cost? Lance leaves the room with the excuse of looking for bandages, but comes back with handcuffs that he has for some reason. Just in case. You never know. Lotor goes with it thinking it's some weird kink or something and holds out his wrists. He is about to say something before lance knocks him out almost instantly. 

When he regains consciousness, he is in a room with the rest of the Voltron Squad™. he feels Lance tugging at the edges of the mask he was cleverly disguising himself with. Lance pulls off the mask to reveal… Hunk? What? 

Hunk, the Hunk standing with the voltron team, was shookethed

“Guys wait it’s not me, I swear” 

“Well Since there can’t be two under developed characters we guessed that” 

“But wait Lance is here too wym” Keith said, from the astral plane. “Hush, we don’t speak of it” Pidge scolded the air, the other paladins staring at her in confusion as none of them heard his voice. Lance reached out again, finding another layer of mask. He ripped it off dramatically, revealing…. Lotor from Voltron Force! Disgusted noises and gasps of terror (and shock) rippled through the group. Shiro pulled out his hand, pointing it threateningly at “Lotor” as if he was roasting him.

“NYAH, CURSES YOU’VE DISCOVERED ME” he roared with that voice that made children cry.

“I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS AND YOUR COW”

“Leave Kaltenecker out of this” Pidge screamed

“Greet job gang” Shiro beamed, “Now lets shove him out an airlock”

Lance did the sickest dab in human history at Lotor before he was launched into the void.

And that was how Lance put the Christ back in Christmas.

_THE END_

**Author's Note:**

> lmao im sorry


End file.
